Okay, it’s time once again for the seemingly insurmountable task of providing a halfway intelligible and mostly entertaining recap of the drunken blur that was Platinum Championship Wrestling’s FINAL NIGHT EVER!
You might think I would choose this one important occasion to stay dry so that I could accurately report on the events of the evening. With everything at stake and the very future of PCW in peril, maybe I would want to be able to properly record just how it all went down.
Now, this is the first time I have ever attended a PCW show at the Academy Theater. They do it every Friday, but Friday’s are often just no good for me. I’m either working, working the next day, or just having a family night. But I had to make an exception for this show.
As I mentioned a few days ago, this was the big one for either Platinum Championship Wrestling or the Empire. One or the other would cease to exist after the Main event. So I had to be there and bring as many of the DCW Hooligans as I could along for the ride.
The Academy Theater was standing-room-only by the time we chugged our last beers and went in. The place was packed, the mood was anticipatory, and it was fucking exciting.
Much to my delight the first competitors out to the ring were CAMPUS Strike Force in all their rainbow glory. I haven’t seen these jokers since last year at the Masquerade, so I was thrilled to see them heading to the ring. It turned out they were just accompanying CAMPUS Blue for his match against PCW newcomer Supernatural.
Supernatural is a tiny guy with sort of a creepy voodoo vibe who needs a better-fitting mask (get in touch with IronmanMike, my little friend. He will take care of you.) and who is very exciting to watch in the ring. Commentator Stephen Platinum barely had time to say, “Taste the painbow!” before Supernatural dropped CAMPUS Blue with a couple of sweet moves and got the 1-2-3!
The rest of CAMPUS Strike Force took massive umbrage to this and attacked the wee luchador, only to be beaten down and left laying because, well, CAMPUS Strike Force pretty much suck.
And then business really picked up as Miss Rachael (Mrs. Rachael? Mrs. Freeman? Miss Screamin’ Marty?) approached the ring to talk a bunch of shit. I’m not entirely clear on what she said because quite frankly I find it hard to pay attention to her mouth, but she basically said that PCW was over and Stephen Platinum had better have some job applications ready to submit come tomorrow morning.
The always cool and collected Mr. Platinum got in a brief retort, but was interrupted by a dastardly representative of the Empire!
No, not that Empire – an empire run by one of the Surrealists, complete with Darth Vader mask. Fortunately for everybody in attendance a certain bun-haired young lady showed up, blasted the interloper, and dragged him to the back for what I’m sure was an unpleasant interrogation in dressing room 1138.
I love that kind of stuff. It’s what made MCW work for me and it’s the reason I love stuff like PWG, Chikara, and this:
“Dy-no-mite Soul” Eric Walker
Brian Blaze w/ Aisha Sunshine & Nemesis
Eric Walker is starting to grow on me, but he needs to put himself out there more. Just a little more funk in his step and he could be a lot of fun.
Brian Blaze, on the other hand, is one of the Konkrete Gorillaz and is made that much more interesting by default. Particularly with Nemesis and Aisha accompanying him to the ring.
I really dug Walker hanging out Eddie Guerrero-style on the top rope, not sweating Blaze or the Gorillaz in the least.
And that was the end of what I liked about the match. The Gorillaz took every advantage with Walker (as they should, being heels) and Walker kind of clunkily got his ass beat. I guess the match served its purpose, but it sure wasn’t enjoyable. But that didn’t matter for very long because apparently the real reason these folks were in the ring was so that Aisha Sunshine could cut the best promo I’d heard out of her yet.
As Brian Blaze literally carried Eric Walker back to the dressing room, Aisha got on the mic and spit hot fire, son!
Sunshine said she had beaten Pandora up as much as she felt she needed to (which is an interesting take on things) and that was over. So no strap match on December 15th at the Masquerade. The crowd said, “BOO!” and Pandora ran out of the back and whooped the shit out of Aisha real quick-like with the aforementioned strap. The Gorillaz chased her off and Aisha screamed as Pandora paused at the back and gloated.
I have a funny feeling we’re going to see a strap match come the fifteenth of December. I’m glad the empire is not directly involved, but I wonder who will be in Pandora’s corner when Sunshine comes to the ring with the Gorillaz.
I think Ken O’Sullivan is a newcomer to Platinum Championship Wrestling and his gimmick is that he’s from Pakistan.
Ha! Just kidding! Obviously he’s Irish, which is something I can get behind. Stephen Platinum made some Irish jokes right out of the gate and then that glorious jackass Vandal made his shifty way to the ring with the worst fucking haircut I’ve seen since De La Soul in 1991.
Team All You Can Eat responded appropriately:
All I can say here is that the match was good. Vandal has – though it pains me to admit this – improved a lot since the first time I saw him wrestle and O’Sullivan did a good job. Nice, solid addition there. There was no story here, but I still cared about the match.
“Marvelous” Marko Polo
It was a laff riot as the apparently decrepit old Warhorse approached the ring, complete with a cane and back problems and if that wasn’t a certain Washington Bullet under the hood I’ll buy you a beer.
And next up was one of my new favorites in PCW – Marko Polo. He plays his gimmick to the hilt and has entrance music that includes the word “Mangina”, which could have only come from one source:
And whoever was making that reference is my hero.
Who is not my hero is Polo’s valet, who insisted “Marvelous” Marko Polo was the real Exotic One and let me tell you something, brother – don’t be talking shit about my favorite tag team. I couldn’t wait to see where that was going, because I knew a certain Mr. Simon Sermon was sitting in the back, watching the proceedings.
But Marko Polo is fun to watch and the ladies with us agreed, but in a totally different way.
I was a little disappointed Polo wasn’t in a straight match… let me rephrase that.
I was a little disappointed Polo wasn’t in a non-gimmicky match, but Super-Old warhorse made it fun by selling his back consistently and keeping the crowd hot. Polo naturally got the win and had some harmless fun and built a little more heat.
“The Tokyo Monster” Kahagas w/ Ron Niemi
“Shooter” Vordell Walker
I watched a couple of Kahagas’ matches on YouTube before the show just to know what to expect, and honestly I wasn’t expecting much. The guy is solid, but seems to be getting by on his manager and his face paint as much as anything else.
Speaking of his manager, I don’t know a whole lot about Ron Niemi, but the guy looked like shit. I understand the Academy Theater isn’t MSG, Hammerstein, or even a fucking high school gym, but unless his gimmick was to look like an off-duty mall cop I think his appearance was inexcusable. I don’t care if you’re going to perform in a barn or in an opera house – you’re going to perform. Like I said, maybe that’s the guy’s gimmick and I didn’t get it. But if not, he was being disrespectful to PCW, the fans, and the business. He was fine on the mic and I’m not going to pretend he wasn’t, but everything he said had less impact because he looked so damned unprofessional.
Kahagas, on the other hand, looked great and far surpassed my expectations. He and Vordell had a kickass match. They even got a little carried away and knocked an electrical fixture out of the ceiling at one point:
And then worked around it for the rest of the match. I was just waiting for Kahagas to grab the exposed wires and shock the shit out of Walker, but clearly Vordell don’t play that shit. He so don’t play that shit that he picked Kahagas up of off his big ol’ feet and brainbustered him for the pin. Nice and unexpected.
Very good match and reason enough for me to want to see Kahagas again, if not his shitbag manager.
Next we got a surprise return from “Marvelous” Marko Polo and his manager. He got in the ring and – foolishly if you ask me – called out Simon Sermon.
Sermon made his way out to the ring looking appropriately bemused the whole way. Once the Exotic One was in the ring, Polo told him that there was nothing exotic about a gay white man in Midtown, which was actually pretty damn hilarious. Polo also said Simon needed clothes to look good and Polo made clothes look good. Sermon rolled his eyes and Polo told him he was about to get manhandled in a way he wouldn’t like for once and slapped the shit out of the big gay warrior. And Sermon responded by putting Polo in an impressively violent sleeper hold that the Marvelous one succumbed to almost instantly.
And then Sermon ripped most of Polo’s “fancy” clothes off, revealing undergarments that I can only describe as “lace panties”. Whoa. Not exactly surprising, but certainly unwelcome. And hilarious.
And with that ladies and gentlemen,
Your Platinum Championship Wrestling Main Event!
I can’t possibly do any kind of play-by-play for any match, let alone this one. And as I so often do with big/good matches I just stopped taking pictures. But I can tell you that I was immensely satisfied by the opening minutes, which featured Chip Day versus Dany Only (crap, sometimes I type “Jerry” and can’t help it) in some pretty great action for a ring that was packed into such a tight space and covered in dudes.
Actually, most of the match featured good action. This thing was booked pretty solidly, with everybody getting a moment or more to look good. I can’t think of anyone who didn’t get at least a few notable spots in. And speaking of notable spots, it was very notable that Only was eliminated early by Marx, which is the opposite of what I speculated might happen. Interesting.
Some fun parts of the match were Union Jack turning out to be Simon Sermon, Platinum versus Miss Rachael, and also Platinum using the dreaded leg drop to eliminate someone and bellowing, “It’s one of the three moves I know, motherfucker!”
More eliminations followed until we were down to Empire members Zack Daniels and Sylar Cross versus Jay fury and Shane Marx – a situation undoubtedly weighing in PCW’s favor.
And then Jay fury went for the hot tag to Marx and Marx shocked the shit out of me, personally by pulling his hand back and hopping off the apron.
I do believe I actually screamed, “Noooooooooooo!” and meant it.
Marx then joined the two remaining Empire members in beating the shit out of Fury.
I can’t remember how the match actually ended, but obviously the Empire won.
They all came out to the ring to celebrate and beat the shit out of Jay Fury some more.
And then this asshole showed up:
Pandora was so pissed she ran out to attack twelve dudes all by her lonesome. And while John Cena may be able to win a thirty-two-on-one match, I don’t think Pandora sells enough t-shirts to beat those kinds of odds. So Dany Only nailed her with a sick lariat and poured champagne on her.
Jeff G. Bailey grabbed the mic and dear lord that man has the ugliest damn shoes I’ve ever seen. Almost as bad as Vandal’s haircut. Anyway, Bailey talked about how this was all his plan and Stephen Platinum came out of the back because you can’t really end a guy’s company without beating his ass in front of his fans. Which Shane Marx did after pretending to listen to Platinum dress him down for a minute.
And then this happened:
Side Note: The whole time the post-match Empire celebration was going on there was this one guy that I really thought was going to just run up front and suck Shane Marx’s dick. Like, in front of everybody. He was way into the whole Empire screwjob. To the point I think he might’ve enjoyed being on the receiving end of one. If you know what I mean.
So it was a great show and I kind of wish I hadn’t gone because now I want to go to every PCW Empire Wrestling show at the Academy Theater and I just can’t.
But it was a rewarding night and we all had fun. I like that PCW is unpredictable and willing to try anything. It’s what is lacking in televised wrestling now. The fact that for the foreseeable future this organization will be known as some iteration of Empire Wrestling is just great. Also impressive is the fact that the Main Event that determined that outcome was more than just a big clusterfuck. It was well-booked and clearly thought out down to specific moves and eliminations. And I really did not see Shane Marx turning. I actually suspected Stephen Platinum over Marx because I have been conditioned by said televised wrestling to expect stupid things that don’t make sense. I should’ve known PCW would be better than that.
So there you go. If I haven’t yet convinced you that you need to go and see this company whenever you can, I don’t know what will. But I’ll keep following and filling you in whenever I can.
And seriously people – be at the Masquerade on December 15th. I guarantee you won’t be sorry. Plus, you might even get invited to be an honorary DCW Hooligan, just like Chip Day!
Until next time, stay creepy