Pre-Ramble – 10/19/2011
I cannot possibly express how excited I am right now.
Yesterday on Facebook Shane Morton (Silver Scream Spook Show, Atlanta Zombie Apocalypse, Super X-13, Gargantua) announced that he and Stephen Platinum were holding Monster Championship Wrestling on Saturday. As the name implies, this venture involves monsters wrestling.
Clearly I had to try and get involved.
So I commented under the announcement that they needed me as their ring announcer and then sent Platinum and Morton messages saying that if they didn’t already have someone lined up nobody would be better than me. I assumed the spot would be filled, but as Pappy Troublemaker told me – if you don’t ask, you don’t know.
I got replies from both guys this morning saying the job was mine if I wanted it and to call Shane. I am at work and can’t call yet, but as soon as I get out of here I am going to.
So as of right now I am the ring announcer for Monster Championship Wrestling.
The ring announcer for Monster Championship Wrestling.
It has been a dream of mine since I was a kid to have something to do with an actual wrestling company. I entertained the idea of actually wrestling for a while, but knew I didn’t have the physical skill set to do it the way I would want to. I’ve always had a fantastic speaking voice, so announcer or even a manager were the next logical step. I never pursued it for reasons I’m feeling too happy to get into, but I have introduced bands and stuff before. And now I’m going to be in an actual wrestling ring introducing actual wrestlers. Well, monsters.
Fucking crazy, man.
Pre-Ramble Follow-Up: 10/24/2011 – After the fact
There is no way I can do justice to everything that went on between Thursday when I got home from work and Monday morning when I went to bed. There was a lot and I’ve just got too damn much stuff going on in my head right now to do any kind of normal recaps or reviews of anything.
So I’m going to do what I always do when I don’t know what to do:
I’m going to just start typing.
I called Shane after I got off work on the 19th and we talked for a bit about what he wanted Monster Championship Wrestling to be. It sounds fantastic and I honestly hope that MCW takes off. I’d love to be even peripherally involved in something the likes of which Shane Morton is currently envisioning. He even said he wanted me to use my gimmick of El Phantasmas or Phantom Troublemaker (or whatever you know me by), which made me laugh on the inside because that’s the only way I’d do it anyway.
Shane had asked me to come by Atlanta Zombie Apocalypse and pick up some flyers promoting Saturday night’s MCW show before I went out to the Masquerade for PCW. Years ago I would’ve bent over backwards to do anything I could to help out. Now is a different story. As stoked as I was to have the opportunity to do anything in a wrestling ring in front of a live audience, I knew this could never lead to anything. My family and my job come before anything else and I just don’t have the time to invest in dreams anymore.
I know that sounds all sad and dramatic, but it isn’t. I love my life and wouldn’t change it. Okay, well – I’d take any other job in the world that paid the same. Seriously, guys. I’d shovel pig shit for a ten percent pay cut.
So anyway, I sent Shane a message saying that there’s no way I could make it from work to home to AZA to the Masquerade in time, but that he should e-mail me a flyer and I’d get a bunch printed out to take with me. I felt pretty proud of that one. I was offering solutions, not problems.
So I sat at work all day and waited for flyers. I wanted to have them, but it was no skin off my back if I didn’t.
Finally, about an hour before quitting time I got an e-mail with the flyer. I printed up 100 copies and headed home.
On the way home I got a text from Shane asking if I got the flyer. I said I did and I had printed a bunch and he asked if it was the correct one. I looked at it and saw the error that I had missed initially. Crap. But I can fix it. A little Sharpie will do the trick. I had a 45 minute ride down to the Masquerade to do as many as I could. I told him that and he was relieved.
Then I saw the second error. Pretty much unfixable. I texted back and his only response was, “Aaaargh!” which is the funniest text I have ever gotten. So no flyers for the PCW show. I had also asked Stephen Platinum if he might want me to cut a promo or something about MCW on Saturday, but he didn’t want to. Fine by me – I had no responsibilities for Thursday now and could get shitfaced as usual. I did post a fixed version of the flyer on Facebook, though:
Angry Matt and Rescue John met me at the house and we picked up Hoffman on the way to the show.
Calling the action Thursday night were the inimitable and always-excitable Stephen Platinum and the returning Kurt Kilgore. I was pretty excited to see Kilgore back behind the announce desk. The guy plays a great jerk and counterpoint to Platinum’s unbridled enthusiasm.
Also on deck were Doctor Melei and ring announcer extraordinaire Grant Case, who announced our first match.
The Konkrete Gorillaz
The Washington Bullets & Jay Fury
The Gorillaz are out first to massive boos, mostly because they are giant assholes. These guys are such a strong, aggressive force in PCW that I can’t imagine what could turn them face anytime soon. Maybe if Johnny Ace showed up and they beat the fuck out of him. I don’t know. But for now they are my pick for most solid heels even over The Empire.
The match was about what you’d expect from these six men – really good. The Gorillaz managed to keep Fury out of the match for the most part and got the win by isolating Trey of the Bullets. This was yet another deal where I was too busy watching the match to get a lot of pictures.
Also, I am still seriously looking for a better camera. If anybody knows of a good point-and-shoot let me know in the comments here or over on my Facebook page. I know DSLRs are the shit, but I can’t be carrying around some big, expensive camera. Heck, maybe I just need to know how to adjust the settings on my Canon. I feel like I’ve tried every combination possible to get action shots in the dark, but maybe not. Send me a friend request – I don’t discriminate. Unless you’re Grotesque. Then I might.
Okay, next up was
Marvelous Marko Polo w/ Friend
Please pardon my almost assuredly incorrect spelling of Mr. XXXcitement and the fact that I don’t know the name of Polo’s valet. But you know what?
It doesn’t matter what here name is!
Anyway, this started off with Polo just dominating the fuck out of his opponent. I really thought the story here was going to be that Mr. X-Cyte-Ment was anything but until he rallied and pulled off some sweet offense that I quite frankly did not expect out of a big, ripped guy. You’d think I would have learned by now how PCW feels about the whole book/cover thing given the awesomeness of Shane Marx, but I still have the capacity to be surprised.
If I hadn’t turned around to take this picture of Team All-You-Can-Eat I could probably tell you how the match ended. But whatever. I love those guys.
Taking that picture reminded me that I had ordered chicken fingers, so I ran back to the bar to pick up my order.
Side note: I owe those chicken fingers my life. I was waaay hung over Friday morning and if I hadn’t gotten such a delicious source of nutrition into my system when I did there’s a good chance I would have had much less trouble throwing up. So actually, fuck those chicken fingers.
Other side note: I always like to credit the Masquerade bartenders because they are almost without exception great. Thursday night’s was new and also great. She was like Juno except not an asshole.
Final side note until the next one: I learned last Thursday that I cannot wear my half-black and half-silver mask. It chafes under my nose and leaves a sore. This is the one that messed me up at Dragon*Con. It’s a shame because I really like that mask.
The next thing that happened wasn’t even a match. It was a massacre. Vordell Walker and Kyle Matthews came out and just fucking exterminated two random Warhorses (yes, I know they’re all random Warhorses). Vordell Walker is terrifying in the same way that tigers are terrifying and Kyle Matthews can be pretty intense when he wants to be. This is a new pairing that is not to be fucked with. I can’t wait to see them fight the Gorillaz or The Exotic Ones. This was a big, exciting development.
The next thing was not. These asses hit the ring:
And we got
Representing The Empire:
Sylar Cross, Master Jae & Zach Daniels w/ Screamin’ Marty Freeman (using a new name I can’t remember)
Tommy Daniels, De La Vega & Simon Sermon
I’m a big sucker for elimination matches.
Sermon started off the action with some ass-wiggling in the direction of The Empire, who clearly are not into such things. Things moved pretty quickly, with Sermon providing a lot of the action, including a spot where he was about to knock out Screamin’ Marty.
It came down to Daniels and Sermon in the end and the Exotic One just could not get the job done – The Empire walked away with another victory, and Zach Daniels walked away with his tongue sticking out of his mouth like some kind of weird, pink cigar:
That kind of creeped me out. But at least we got some Exotic Ones action. I mean, uh… you know what I mean.
And holy shit, it’s already time for
“I Quit” Match
Okay, there is no way this feud shouldn’t be staler than Aunt Mabel’s week-old bagels that she just leaves sitting out on the table in that basket, but somehow it is still exciting and absolutely fascinating.
Thursday’s match was all about the ladies testing each other’s physical limits in a new way. Lots of holds and grappling as opposed to the brawling we’ve become accustomed to, which points to one of the many reasons the feud remains interesting – Sunshine and Pandora’s versatility. The two exchanged hold after hold in an attempt to elicit the match-ending phrase:
Until those damnable miscreants the Konkrete Gorillaz emerged from the locker room to be fucking assholes again:
Clearly they were out to get some heat from beating up a couple of ladies. No matter how tough you are, three dudes versus two chicks is just brutal.
But No! After manhandling Pandora, the Gorillaz released Sunshine and she hopped up and joined in the beat-down.
Foulness and shenanigans!
But things got even worse for Pandora when the fearsome foursome produced a black noose and proceeded to place it around her neck, hanging her from the ring ropes.
I suspect the symbolism here is lost on no one.
The smashed, scraped, and strangled Pandora was in such dire straits that Doctor Melei and her amazing shoes had to attend to her while the dastardly Gorillaz and their new fourth member celebrated in the ring. But… as Handsome Harley Hoffman noted, “Nobody ever said ‘I quit’!”
THIS FEUD MUST CONTINUE!
Next up was a guy from the Chambers of Horror – which I have often and inaccurately referred to as the “Chamber of Horrors”. Their way makes more sense. Last year they had somebody much more charismatic do this. This guy wasn’t bad, I just think he was out of his element. His chainsaw-toting ladyfriend was easy on the eyes, at least. And hang in there, her titties are going to be covered in blood later.
“Hands of Steel” Seth Delay
I don’t know the story behind this particular match, I’m just glad it happened. Delay has only come to my attention since his ridiculous appearance at DCW back in September, but he is becoming one of my favorites. He embraces the goofiness that I like so much in guys like Brian Kendrick, Alex Shelley and Rico and he really knows how to work the crowd.
The guy even went so far as to ask Team All-You-Can-Eat to powder up his pimp hand before slapping the ever-loving shit out of Blaine.
Once Delay got the pin and sent The Empire back to the locker room crying like a bunch of little girls who just got told My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic got cancelled, he was good enough to join Mr. Stephen Platinum for a little commentary.
I have exactly one picture from this match:
I have no idea what happened. Clearly, beer was involved in me missing this one. That and my utter disdain for The Vandal.
I kid, I kid. I detest Vandal at least a tenth as much as I used to.
Once Vandal and Walker cleared the ring, it was time to hype the big 11-11-11 Academy Theater show. And who better to hype that show than
Once and Always PCW Champion Shane Marx
(with all due respect to the former champ)
HONORARY DCW HOOLIGAN,
CHIP MOTHERFUCKING DAY!
Marx and Day came out and cut a promo about the big night in November where PCW will defend itself against The Empire for the very last time in a winners-take-all twenty-man tag team match. After November 11th, 2011 either Platinum Championship Wrestling or The empire will cease to exist! This event is absolutely not to be missed folks! The DCW Hooligans will be in attendance!
But whose side will we take!?!
Don’t be stupid. We’re with Chip Motherfucking Day.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Your Platinum Championship Wrestling Main Event!
Dany “The Human Hand Grenade” Only
For the PCW Championship
I was more stoked about this match than any other singles match this year. I may well be exaggerating, but I’m not sure. Regardless, Only versus Mason was going to be a big one.
Demigod Mason has proven himself time and again to be a competent grappler despite his ridiculous finishing hold of questionable legality and Dany Only has almost overnight become the singles sensation of The Empire, thankfully replacing the immovable object that is Grotesque. Too bad Miss Rachel seems to have gone with him.
Both men were probably in the best shape I’ve seen them in and obviously ready to beat each other’s asses.
And that’s exactly what happened.
Only started things off with his signature brutality and made it look like this might be an abrupt end to a short title reign. But Mason came back and worked Only’s arm long enough to give himself the advantage. I got all caught up in the action after Only hit Mason with a sick running boot, so I don’t have a whole lot of pictures of the finish.
I just know Only ended up tapping, but I can’t for the life of me remember if it was to Occam’s Razor or something arm-based.
As soon as The Empire cleared out, all four Gorillaz hit the ring and I was sure Mason was about to get clobbered. But no, the newly expanded group of hoodlums just wanted to announce their intentions to take Mason’s PCW title away from him.
And that’s your show!
Platinum Championship Wrestling holds events every single Friday night at the Academy Theater in Avondale Estates. We’ll be in attendance for the 11-11-11 show. The next Masquerade show is December 15th and I hear Santa Simon Sermon will be there to give all the boys presents.
Okay, I made that up, but it sounds funny. They should totally do that.
Come back later today for my recap of the bloody titties of the Chambers of Horror and my daily SyFy schedule coverage.
Until next time, stay creepy