Yes, folks – it’s once again time for the scarred grapplers of Dragon*Con Championship Wrestling to take the ring and do absurd things like hit each other with boxes of Lucky Charms. I was late as always thanks to elevator issues and the fact that my dumb ass left my badge in the room and didn’t realize it until it was pointed out to me by the fine staff of the Hyatt. But thankfully, the DCW Hooliganz held a spot for me.
Tonight’s beautiful palette of violence is brought to you by Jooze Malt Liquor Energy Drink, Milton Wadpepper’s Deer Scent and the letter “R”.
We open things up with a ceremony to present a bunch of guys with their DCW Hall of Fame plaques or something. Being honored this year were…
WHO THE FUCK CARES!?! THIS IS
Our first match is a classic Fatal Four-Way for the DCW Curtain-Jerker Championship! A running theme of DCW is to put as many of these jokers in a match as they can so everybody gets a payday. Ah, who am I kidding? These guys are probably lucky to get a can of Keystone Light out of Dragon*Con Championship Wrestling Chairman Buck Gently.
Tonight’s opener for the belt features Danny Drummond, Sinestro Corps Blade, Jack Wagon and DCW Hooliganz’ favorite – MUFFIN TOP!
The action started out fast and furious with all four men throwing rights, lefts and kicks until Danny Drummond and Sinestro Corps Blade were left in the ring. I totally botched a “Pay your taxes!” chant and when I recovered Danny Drummond was in control – just in time for evil heel douchebag Jack Wagon to clubber him from behind. Jack Wagon cleared the ring just in time for Muffin Top to rain 832 slaps down across his head and shoulders, ending with a devastating kick across the breadbasket!
Somehow Jack Wagon tossed Muffin Top from the ring just as Drummond and Yellow Blade returned to the ring and CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG! Sinestro Corps Blade dropped both men with leaping dropkicks to the mush, but as he celebrated Muffin Top ascended as though from the heavens to land atop his shoulders and drive him to the mat for a 2 count! RALLY!
But then Jack Wagon hit a dastardly low blow and rolled our hero up for the 1-2-3! FUCKING BULLSHIT!
Your winner and new DCW Curtain Jerker Champion – Jack Wagon!
The DCW Hooliganz section screamed horrible things at the new champ, prompting him to come over and say, “C’mon, you guys, really?” and prompting DCW Chairman Buck Gently to raise a mic to collect our awesomeness and project it to the rest of the DCW Arena and LOVE US!
This made a certain other section of the DCW Arena insanely jealous. More on that later.
Next up is some DCW Tag Team action! The Fancy Terrorists and their manager “Bloated” Bobby Auschwitz versus the two most boring babyfaces I have ever seen. Let me tell you just how bland those guys were – Bloated Bobby cut the most racist promo I have ever heard in my life before the match (and I've seen JBL at a house show). So racist that perennial nudist and honorary DCW Hooligan Awesome Austin Creed ran over to help us yell at the guy.
So racist that Bloated Bobby Auschwitz’ own wrestler – Fancy Terrorist #2 – felt the need to cut a whole other anti-racism promo when Bloated Bobby was done. So racist that the promo was accompanied by Bloated Bobby goose-stepping around the ring:
I SWEAR TO THE GHOST OF GORILLA MONSOON I AM NOT MAKING ANY OF THIS UP.
So after all of that, the babyfaces were so lame that I still felt compelled to cheer the Fancy Terrorists; who thankfully won after hitting the Sad Cowboy with a double Hezbollah drop off the top rope.
Your winners – The Fancy Terrorists!
Next up was the most brutal of all DCW matches – the Taipei Taped Dick match! Anything goes in this violent massacre! The stakes have never been higher, as the loser of tonight’s Taped Dick match has to show up again next year! Horrifying! Competing tonight are two legends of the DCW Arena – Shop Teacher and Cupcake Sting USA! The third man in the match is some fucking idiot with duct tape all over his tights. Turns out his name is Terry Margarine and he may be new to Dragon*Con Championship Wrestling, but he’s not new to being a total shithead.
Margarine grabbed a mic and sort of went, “Ah… ablah bah grable bah…” for a second before Cupcake Sting USA jumped out of the ring and sliced him wide open with a razor-edged cookie sheet. Shop Teacher – not wanting to be left out – took out Margarine’s ankles and rolled him into the ring. Both of the old fucks spent the next few minutes working the younger guy over, until Cupcake Sting USA pulled out a tiny lightsaber and cut Margarine’s nuts clean off while Shop Teacher looked on and said, “Dude – that’s fucked up. I can top that.”
And top that he did; because ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls Shop Teacher reached under the Official DCW Ring of Doom and pulled forth the most diabolical, the most heinous, THE MOST SICK AND FUCKING TWISTED WEAPON OF DESTRUCITY THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN! EVAR!
THE LUCKY FUCKING CHARMS! AAAAAAGH!
Shop Teacher rained a veritable rainbow of magically delicious pain down upon Terry Margarine’s unprotected head! Over and over again the box of maniacal marshmallows made contact, sending the young man to the apron in a writhing ball of agony!
So uncalled for, so hideous was the punishment the two old fucks had dealt to poor Terry Margarine that the ref called for a double disqualification and awarded the win to the younger man! What a bunch of bullshit. Now we have to see Shop Teacher and Cupcake Sting USA again in 2012. Fuck you, ref.
I find this guy oddly charming:
Over the course of the night another section had been attempting a bit of a coup to try and wrest the eternal love of Buck Gently and the rest of the DCW officials away from us – the DCW Hooliganz. Naturally they failed despite the attempts of some sort of rotund mascot to woo the DCW Arena. Mostly because Evil ran across the way and executed his signature move – the Froot Loop Money shot!
The next match was fucking terrible. It featured Lou Jersey fighting Old Jack to unify the DCW Tag Team Championship with the DCW More Than One Guy Championship, but neither guys’ partner showed up and they kept tagging out to nobody. One guy would just stand there for a while and then leap across the ring and slap the top turnbuckle. Old Jack won when Lou Jersey tapped out for unknown reasons.
Your winner and new DCW Unified Multi-Individual Champions – Old Jack!
Next up is yet another triple threat three-way dance of doom featuring American Hero Kimo versus Tank versus Shastaphonic!
This one got ugly quick, as Tank picked up both of his opponents and threw them directly at the DCW Hooliganz. A brawl ensued and things got so ugly that I’m going to have to let a series of pictures tell the tale:
All I know is shit was so intense that at one point I came face to face with Darth Pete, and we have both sworn never to fight again after a DDT nearly ended his career.
Finally, Gnoll got hold of the dreaded Lucky Charms and order was restored:
Kimo, Tank and Shastaphonic returned to the ring and brawled until Kimo somehow came into possession of a handful of the Charms (I’m looking at you, Darth Pete) and threw them into the faces of his opponents; blinding both men and getting the pin!
Your winner – Kimo!
But then Tank recovered from the face full of sugary doom and charged the ring, delivering multiple chokeslams to Kimo and Shastaphonic! The crowd went wild and Tank came by to high-five Gnoll,
only to turn heel on us seconds later with help from the other side’s rotund mascot:
And suddenly there was a flash of steel and Evil came flying from the back of section Hooligan, cutting down the two fat fucks!
Vengeance was ours and the crowd celebrated, only to have the mood killed by another fucking match.
A fucking match featuring this moron:
But just as we were all about to give up hope and settle back into the mediocrity of yet another four-person match featuring the dregs of the indie scene, an angel of hope descended from the heavens and lifted us all up into the glory of wonder and majesty. Yes, ladies and gentlemen,
Mickey Fucking Rourke
Had returned to Dragon*Con Championship Wrestling. And lo, all troubles were washed away as dirt from a gopher’s backside. All was right within the DCW Arena.
Rourke ascended the turnbuckles and performed a complicated series of magick gestures, summoning his spirit warrior to the ring.
Our glorious hero retired to ringside to sit amongst his adoring masses as his spirit warrior destroyed his foes utterly.
The Reddit Alien was astonished:
Finally, his eldritch energies spent, Mickey Rourke himself returned to the ring and pinned the nameless grapplers who never had a prayer in the first place.
Ladies and gentlemen, your Dragon Cup Champion for Now and All of Eternity –
Mickey Fucking Rourke
And then the fucking Legion of Gloom came out. Of all people.
For some reason they were being managed by Hot Topic (I wanted to call him King Diamond but somebody insisted he was Hot Topic) instead of Seanbaby. I feel fucking ripped off. I don’t think Hot Topic even cut a promo, which is probably for the best because there’s no way that little fucker could hold a candle to Seanbaby and his hatred of elves.
I have no idea who the Legion’s opponents were because all of the pictures are really blurry and I was really fucking drunk by then (this probably explains the blurry pictures, actually). All I could recognize was that the opponents’ manager had a pretty sweet can:
I don’t know who won. I think the Legion of Gloom just sort of left. I mean, they’ve got Platinum Championship Wrestling’s Sacred Ground II to get ready for on the 28th. They don’t have time for this amateur hour bullshit.
Speaking of amateur hour, it’s time for the Annual Dragon*Con Championship Wrestling Cab Fare Battle Royal! The winner gets cab fare back home!
Tonight’s competitors are The Human Tampon, Peter Pumpkin Balls, Spaz the Human Headlock Machine, Sinestro Corps Blade, Terry Margarine, Moon Boot, Shastaphonic and Sad Cowboy’s tag partner.
And Shastaphonic eliminated Moon Boot for the win!
I know I glossed over the match there, but I figured if I didn’t want to watch it you probably don’t want to read about it. Plus, again – drunk.
DCW Chairman Buck Gently presented Shastaphonic with his prize money and then invited the DCW Hooliganz into the ring for a little celebration:
And Handsome Harley Hoffman made the mistake of his life when he tried to hit a Hoff Cutter on ol’ Phantom. It’s on, bitchcakes! ON!
And then Darth Pete rang the final bell in memory of all of our fallen heroes, like Disco Inferno.
What? You mean he’s not dead?
Okay. Enough. Tune back in next time for more fuzzy recollections and to find out if Darth Pete can literally drink Evil under the table (yes).
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Until next time, stay creepy