Alright! Time to knock out three days worth of material in one night!
Yes, it’s time again for my BIG SUMMER MOVIE PREVIEW! Written – as always – with the help of Entertainment Weekly’s Summer Movie issue. I’m actually getting this done early enough this year that the first big movie hasn’t hit yet – Thor (Oops – yeah it has. I didn’t get this done as fast as I thought I would).
I am already super-stoked about what Hollywood is offering us this year since the massive disappointment that was SuckerPunch has already come and gone. We have a lot of comic book movies that all look great but surely can’t all be great. There are also some big comedies coming out that I’ll have the benefit of waiting until they hit home release to see.
-The Hangover Part II - 5/26 – While I did think the first one was a very funny movie, I didn’t think it was as amazing as everybody else did. I am pretty stoked about the sequel, though. I think the groundwork has been laid for the relationships and we can go straight into the catastrophe this time. I’m excited. And I think we can expect better from Mr. Phillips and company than a retread of what has gone before. This won’t be like Austin Powers or – God forbid-the Police Academy movies. My only question is why the fuck would you go to Thailand for your bachelor party? Verdict – THEATER, hopefully before I hear how great everybody thinks it is.
-The Beaver – 5/6 – I don’t really care what kind of raging jackhole Mel Gibson is, and it irritated me a little to find out that the above movie nixed a cameo from him out of a fear of reprisal. Guess what? Most Hollywooders seem to be jackholes in one way or another. Get over it. Mel had a bender. I’m not too sure if this movie sounds too weird or just weird enough, but I am curious about the idea of a guy who has a breakdown and uses a beaver puppet to work his way through it. Verdict – RENT
-Hobo With A Shotgun – 5/6 – As much as I absolutely love Grindhouse, I just can’t give a shit about this movie. And I like Rutger Hauer more than most people might. Part of it is that just the title reeks of addressing social injustice or something. Also, I think Machete soured me a bit. That movie just wasn’t very good, no matter how much I wanted to love it. When Jessica Alba is fighting a luchadore and I don’t care you have really fucked up. Verdict - RENT
-Thor – 5/6 – PICK OF THE MONTH - I’ve gone back and forth over which comic book movie I am the most excited about. We’ll get to the rest, so let’s talk about Thor for now. Thor looks absolutely awesome. Now, I’ve never followed Thor particularly closely. Not the comic, anyway. I’m familiar with the mythology, though. I think the cast of this movie looks great and I like that it is almost the reverse of a normal origin story. Thor starts off powerful and Mighty and loses his powers. This is also the first movie to cause me to actively dislike 3D. I was going to see it Friday with the guys, but the place was only showing it in 3D so I had to bow out (If you haven’t heard it before, I cannot see 3D effects in movies because of my fucked up eyes). Maybe I’ll go to the IMAX. Verdict – OPENING NIGHT
(Well, I saw it the next day. And it is AWESOME. Every bit as good as Iron Man – I can't wait to see it again. I might have a review soon.)
-Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides - 5/20 – Dammit I hate to even have to say this, but I still haven’t seen the third Pirates movie. It’s not that I don’t want to, I just haven’t. I have no idea why. We even have the Mega Bloks ships in the living room. I am a bad fan. I think this one looks pretty good, but I can’t help but wonder if the change in directors (from the fantastic Gore Verbinski to the pretty much untested in action movies Rob Marshall) will be an issue. I can’t definitely say I’ll see this in theaters, but I’ll almost certainly buy whatever box set comes out once all of these are released together (Apparently there are at least two more coming). Verdict – trying for the THEATER
-Kung Fu Panda 2 – 5/26 – I was really excited about the first one but it just didn’t so much for me. It wasn’t bad, but once I finally saw it I didn’t have the urge to run right out and buy it like I thought I would. Lil’ Troublemaker didn’t even want a copy. We’ll catch this on cable. Verdict - CABLE
-Jumping the Broom – 5/6 – Given that this is about two headstrong black families I probably won’t be seeing it. I don’t have anything against people who are headstrong or black, these topics just don’t interest me as much as, say, giant monsters from outer space. Verdict – PASS
-Priest – 5/13 – The badass angel from Legion fighting vampires in a POST-APOCALYPTIC WORLD! I think it sounds good. Not theater good, but still… Verdict - RENT
-Bridesmaids – 5/13 –Obviously you're thinking this is a chick flick. It may be, but I really want to see it. Bridesmaids looks funny as shit. It basically seems like a Judd Apatow movie with chicks in it. And that’s okay with me. Maya Rudolph and Kristen Wiig have both proven themselves awesome when given the right material and the trailer for this thing is hilarious. Verdict – RENT
-Midnight in Paris – 5/20 – New Woody Allen. I don’t care about it, but my wife is going to be pissed that Scarlett Johansson isn’t in this one. Verdict – PASS
-The Tree of Life – 5/27 – Starring Brad Pitt and Sean Penn, this Terrence Malick film centers around two parents and their young son. I feel like I should know the name Terrence Malick. I should look that one up when I can, but for now: Verdict - PASS
-Something Borrowed – 5/6 – This is the movie guys who don’t have balls will be forced to take their Women’s Studies major girlfriends to see instead of Thor. Those of us who chose our female counterparts more wisely will be laughing at you, verily. Verdict – PASS
-Everything Must Go – 5/13 – I’m normally opposed to comedians trying drama, but the subject matter of this one seems interesting enough to warrant a viewing. Will Ferrell stars as a man who comes home one day to find that his wife has put all his stuff on the lawn (maybe because he’s a hateful misogynist like me) and decides to just sit down and sell it all. As long as Ferrell doesn’t end up like that pitiable jackass Robin Williams I’m okay with him doing a couple of more serious things. The day they announce a Patch Adams remake starring Ferrell, though, I’m heading to Hollywood with a bazooka. Verdict – RENT
May Quick Picks
-Invisible Sign – 5/6 – I have no idea what this is, but I have yet to see even a trailer for it. Jessica Alba must be trying to recapture the fame brought to her by the runaway success that was The Eye. I don’t even know if this is horror or what. - PASS
-Last Night – 5/6 – Sam Worhtington and Keira Knightley in what sounds like some kind of Black Orchid-esque erotic thriller. Lots of people might be into that. I am not. – PASS
-Passion Play – 5/6 – Mickey Rourke and Megan Fox. This is either going to be Showgirls amazing or Stardust amazing. Guess which one I’m leaning towards… - RENT
-There Be Dragons – 5/6 – I feel a little bad about relaying zero information to you about all of these movies from a source that relays zero information in the first place. I kind of wonder – why am I even writing right now? EW doesn’t know anything about this movie other than there are no actual dragons in it. I don’t know any more than that. Nothing in this godawful paragraph has enlightened you in the least. Well, except the lack of dragons, but I don’t think anybody would make that assumption anyway. – PASS
-Go For It! – 5/13 – As much as I love a good inspirational tale about a dancer following her dreams… no, wait. I hate those kinds of tales. - PASS
-Hesher – 5/13 – As much as I really would like to see this one in the theater, I probably won’t. It stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt as a loser metalhead who does stuff. Apparently the thing is so good that Metallica let them use some songs, and they never do that. They almost didn’t clear songs for their own movie. Okay, maybe that’s not true, but when is the last time you heard Metallica in a movie. I mean, aside from Old School. Or Zombieland. Anyway, this looks good. – RENT
-Skateland – 5/13 – A coming-of-age story starring I have no idea and directed by your guess is as good as mine. I’m really starting to wonder if I shouldn’t try to find a source more competent than Entertainment Weekly. I used to really like Premiere, but I don’t think that one exists any more. Suggestions? Remember – it has to be print, no internet at work.- PASS (I guess, who knows?)
-The Big Bang – 5/13 – Antonio Banderas in some kind of noir flick. I’m curious. – RENT
-The First Grader – 5/13 – “A Kenyan man in his 80s becomes THE FIRST GRADER because he is desperate to learn to read” HOLY SHIT! SIGN ME THE FUCK UP FOR THIS ONE! Sounds great. - PASS
-The High Cost of Living – 5/13 – Zach Braff in a depressing movie. No. Fucking. Way. I’d never believe it if EW hadn’t printed it. You know, I like Scrubs a lot, but that guy is just fucking irritating no matter what he does. – PASS
-Cost of A Soul – 5/20 – Two veterans of the Iraq war return to the slums of Philadelphia to find a whole new war awaits them. If this stars The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin I am so totally in. If it stars Vincent Gallo and Ewan McGregor Cost of A Soul can go fuck itself. - ?
Stay tuned tomorrow for June!
Until next time, stay creepy