Welcome back to the least informative Summer Movie Preview on the internet! If you somehow missed May, June or July you can click on the magic words and read them now. Here's August!:
-The Help – 8/12 – I’m not going to lie. The idea of a movie examining the lives of black maids and the differences in their working environments – from valued family member to little more than slaves – sounds pretty interesting. The fact that Emma Stone is in it doesn’t hurt, either. But it’s definitely going to be a chick flick. Verdict – RENT (but don’t tell anybody)
-30 Minutes or Less – 8/12 – Jesse Eisenberg stars in this “wrong place at the wrong time” comedy. Throw in Danny McBride, Nick Swardson and Fred Ward and I’m sold. Verdict - THEATER
- Our Idiot Brother – 8/26 – Paul Rudd plays a guy who gets busted giving a bag of weed to a (presumably undercover) cop. He loses his job and his girlfriend and ends up having to rotate through his sisters’ (Zooey Deschanel, Elizabeth Banks, Emily Mortimer) homes. The filmmakers claim it’s not going to be a broad comedy, comparing the tone to early Woody Allen. Verdict - RENT
-Higher Ground – 8/12 – A movie from Hollywood that portrays Christians in a positive light. I’ll believe it when I see it. Verdict – CABLE
-The Debt – 8/31 – “The unusual thing about this story is that it works on different levels,”. This phrase gets dropped by Hollywood douchebags no less than 43,726 times a year. Clearly, working on different levels is not as special as they think it is. Or they’re full of shit. Your call. Oh, and this one is about a Mossad (played by Jessica Chastain and Helen Mirren) operative who has to deal with fallout from an operation that happened 30 years before. Verdict – RENT
.-Rise of the Planet of the Apes – 8/5 – I don’t know that this movie is necessary, but it does feature a lot of monkeys and James Franco. I’d watch that guy make pancakes for two hours. I predict this will be the ridiculous catastrophe of the summer. Verdict - THEATER
-The Change-Up – 8/5 – It’s a body-switching movie, but with a married guy (Jason Bateman) and his bachelor buddy (Ryan Reynolds). I think it sounds pretty good. Verdict - RENT
-Conan the Barbarian – 8/19 – PICK OF THE MONTH - As much as I love the Arnie Conan movies (even the Destroyer), this one looks more faithful to the original Robert E. Howard stories. Jason Momoa even looks the part more than the bulky Schwarzenegger did. I hope this does well and leads to a series of direct adaptations. If you haven’t read the old Conan stories you really should. You can get great collections here. Verdict – OPENING NIGHT
-Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark – 8/12 – Guillermo del Toro co-wrote and produced. Done. Verdict – OPENING NIGHT
-Fright Night – 8/19 – Doctor #9 David Tennant takes on Roddy McDowall’s role in this remake and EW didn’t even fucking mention it. Chekov and Bullseye are in it, too. Verdict - THEATER
-Spy Kids 4: All the Time In the World – 8/19 – I don’t dig the Spy Kids movies like some other people do. It might just be because Lil’ Troublemaker isn’t old enough to care about them yet. Jessica Alba doesn’t hurt this one’s chances, though. Verdict – CABLE maybe
August Quick Picks
-Bellflower – 8/5 – Something about Mad Max fans. I need a trailer. – RENT maybe?
-Dirty Girl – 8/5 – Two misfit teenagers blah, blah blah. - PASS
-Magic Trip – 8/5 – Something to do with drugs. – PASS
-The Whistleblower – 8/5 – Rachel Weisz in a movie about Balkan something-or-other. Nope. – PASS
-Seven Days In Utopia – 8/12 – This movie features golf and Robert Duvall. I don’t have anything against golf or Robert Duvall, but I also don’t see them as reasons to see a movie. - PASS
-Brighton Rock – 8/19 – Did You Know?: Helen Mirren is in every single movie coming out this year. – PASS
-Circumstance – 8/19 – A Sundance Audience Award winner. That gets an automatic PASS from me.
-Final Destination 5 – 8/26 – This will probably end up being called 5nal De5tination 5 because that’s pretty much exactly how Hollywood rolls. And, sadly, how America likes it. Even more tragic, I’ll undoubtedly end up giving this a RENT.
-A Good Old Fashioned Orgy – 8/26 – This one stars one of the SNL guys. I’ll need more info to decide, but probably a – RENT
-Gainsbourg – 8/31 – “The incomparable and incorrigible French singer Serge Gainsbourg is given the biopic treatment…” Who? What? I don’t care.– PASS
-Janie Jones – TBA – The Abigail Breslin meets her rocker father. - PASS
There are a lot of movies I want to see in the theater this summer. Like, more than one a month. Gotta consider that a win.
Until next time, stay creepy,