This one took a lot longer to post (and to actually write) than it should have because I spent all my time from 5:00 PM on 12/23 until around 3:00 PM on New Year’s Day having A Wonderful Life. I don’t know that I’ve ever had eight better days in my life. I got to spend the holidays with Mrs. and Lil’ Troublemaker and didn’t think about work even once. It was incredibly invigorating to remember what it was like to have a will to live.
I know that sounds all dramatic and maybe even a little emo, but you seriously have no idea how much my job sucks. It’s okay, I didn’t either until all that time off. I tend to keep it buried deep in side with all the other bad stuff. I know, I know – I’m grateful I even have a job and things could easily be worse. That’s the thought that keeps me sane in hour ten of twelve hours of staring at five RGB screens with no internet (okay – I’ve got my phone; but that’s not the same and you know it) and no “outside reading materials”.
So anyway, without my typical motivation to write (being bored out of my fucking mind) I found myself unable to care about producing content for Needless Things.
But now I’m back and need to kill some time so I’m going to catch up on a couple of things. Like the Platinum Championship Wrestling show we attended on December 23rd.
It was a record crowd in a couple of ways. Both in that there were easily twice as many people at the Masquerade for the show as were there in November and in that I was there with Mrs. Troublemaker, Angry Matt, John the Wrestler and Gnoll. Darth Pete didn’t make it this time around because he is a genuine homo (just kidding – he’s working hard on being a soon-to-be Good Daddy).
Apparently I got drunk early and often because almost every picture I took looks like an episode of the old Batman show. It’s kind of awesome. Also, PCW had invested in a Party City smoke machine that was severely fucking up a lot of my pictures - as you'll soon see. That was not awesome.
This time around everybody actually showed up on time, so we made it down to The Masquerade well in advance of the first bell. And were amazed to find that the place was already fairly well packed, with not a chair available in the main room. This is an extremely good sign for PCW. Granted, this is only their third show here, but doubling your attendance each time has got to be considered a huge win. TNA hasn’t managed that in eight years.
After entering the room and taking in the respectable crowd, we were greeted with the most ominous of sights:
The STEEL CAGE ready to rend the flesh and crush the skulls of any who dared come near it! The big attraction that night was that two matches were going to take place inside the MOST BRUTAL STRUCTURE KNOWN TO MAN. The first was another chapter in the ongoing (and outstanding) feud between The Exotic Ones and the Konkrete Gorillaz; the second was Your Main Event: #1 Contender Jason “The Jar” Mason versus Champion Shane Marx for the Platinum Championship Wrestling Main Title! It’s gonna be a MURDERBATH!
But first we have some other matches to get through, and that is sort of a tragedy in some cases.
But not in the case of our opener, which features perennial Phantom favorites the Homo Rainbow versus
(from left to right) Boo-Boo, Kung Lou, Curry Kid (I find it highly dubious, sir, that you are in any way related to Curry Man), Superstar Clyde Babaganusch, AJ Mild and (hidden behind AJ) Mighty Dump.
The second the bell rang, Boo-Boo ate everybody. AJ Mild managed to escape his notice, but passed out from the sight of Boo-Boo ripping Superstar Clyde in half to suck out his heart like an oyster.
Next up was Mechanic Wolverine
versus The Right Reverend Timmy Truelove w/ Sister Syster.
I’ve got to give Mechanic Wolverine a lot of credit for looking like Wolverine. I mean, he really looks like Wolverine except for the fact that his hair doesn’t look like a giant ass with wings. Which is kind of a win.
I should mention our announce team for the night because they actually add a whole lot to the events. Much like PCW’s resident top heel manager, Seanbaby, the announcers are mostly better than they should be.
Thursday’s matches were narrated by the dynamic duo of PCW’s Chief Executive General Chairman Chill Phil and Justin Tolerable, accompanied by PCW Physician Doctor Knives.
Mechanic Wolverine and Reverend Truelove had a solid match. Both of them are just fine in the ring, but I had no idea who I was supposed to be rooting for. I ended up booing both of them because The Right Reverend seemed pretty heelish and Mechanic Wolverine is a stupid gimmick. Imagine my shock when he won. I had assumed that the more entertaining and energetic Reverend was going to get the win and everybody in our crew agreed. This was obviously Origins Wolverine because he moped around the ring for a little while after his victory.
Luckily for everybody in attendance, Seanbaby fucking hates moping unless he’s the one doing it, so he popped up on the front stage with his premiere tag team – CM Flunk and Dollar William to challenge the Washington Bullets to a match.
Seanbaby - “Washington Bullets! I know you’re back there and I also know that my tag team – CM Dollars – almost had a match with you guys like two months ago. And then last month when you were in the ring talking about cinnamon-scented brooms and the proper size for door wreaths we came out and had that two-minute exhibition match until CM Flunk here realized he needed an emergency fourth font added to his tattoos. Well the time for a reckoning is now at hand! We deserve that PCW Seasonal Tag Team Championship trophy and my boys have the matching Winter ensemble track jackets to prove it!”
Naturally the Washington Bullets theme music hit at this point, but nobody recognized it so the Bullets – Jon Silver and “Virgin” Trey Purple - were greeted by silence.
“Virgin” Trey Purple – “Hey everybody! We’re the Washington Bullets!”
Crowd – “Oh… Yay!”
Jon Silver – “Seanbaby, we’re not the PCW Seasonal Tag Team Champions anymore. We lost the trophy to December Domination. You know, Santa Claude and Kwanzaa Joe? They beat us in a Better Homes and Gardens Winter Solstice Death Match.”
“Virgin” Trey Purple – “That match was bullshit. Our recycled milk carton cornucopias were so totally better than theirs. That referee was crooked.”
CM Flunk – “So I covered up my four-font tattoo with this stupid jacket for nothing?”
Dollar William – “Hey, I kind of like the jackets…”
Jon Silver – “Those are nice jackets… and we’re gonna take ‘em!”
Dollar William – “Bull-fucking-shit!”
And we have a match!
I should point out two things here: 1) While both teams did cut promos, nothing even remotely resembling the above happened, and 2) CM Flunk does, indeed, have a four-font tattoo on his chest:
It looks like a flyer I made when I was in high school and had just discovered Microsoft Works. If you can’t tell, it says “Hated Yet I Persevere”. Pithy.
Flunk and Dollars won handily. Clearly, the Washington Bullets are in a slump.
Next up was Coco Lutz
versus Dragon*Con favorite “Do Or Die” Chip Day, who I still very badly want to refer to as Muffin Top.
It was one of those matches that was good, so I was too busy paying attention (or drinking) to take a lot of pictures. I can tell you that Coco Lutz won. I know this because when I went up front again to take pictures of the next match I saw the beaten Mr. Day sitting on the stairs and crying quietly to his emo self:
Talk about living your gimmick. I actually really dig this picture. The guy is selling his loss and it was a nice touch to stop on the stairs for an anguished moment of exhaustion and disappointment. Not everybody in the place saw that and I’m glad I did. It’s one of those little things that help sell what is an unavoidably fake sport. Keep earning that name, Chip Day.
The fifth match on the card was… FUCKING SHIT. It’s Archie Poo versus Vagrant again. Only they threw Crazee Ted in this time because everybody hates Archie Poo and Vagrant. This was like putting Cool Whip on a turd. You still don’t want it, but at least it isn’t so unpleasant.
The match was surprisingly decent, mostly because Justin Tolerable lost his fucking mind about halfway through and started beating the shit out of Crazee Ted for no apparent reason.
Vagrant got the win after using his heinous finisher, the Pit of Despair on an already weakened Crazee Ted.
When a homeless guy sticks your face in his underarm area, you submit quickly. Justin Tolerable was so impressed with Vagrant’s mistreatment of a woman that he offered not only his managerial services, but lodging in the trunk of his car as well. Ladies and gentlemen, we have an ALLIANCE!
The next match was a PCW first – the ring Crew versus the STEEL CAGE. After a valiant fight, the STEEL CAGE finally submitted to the superior numbers of the Ring Crew and was assembled around d the ring. I’ve got to say I’ve seen quite a few steel cages of widely varying quality in my time and PCW’s STEEL CAGE is actually one of the finer ones of the bunch.
We hung out with Curry Kid
and Not Rod
during the intermission while John the Wrestler downed the world’s tiniest beer.
Actually, that’s a normal-sized beer. JTW is twelve feet tall.
And then it was time for STEEL CAGE MAYHEM!
The ongoing feud between The Exotic Ones and the Konkrete Gorillaz has been the cornerstone of each PCW show so far, and easily my favorite part. Both teams are very good at what they do, be it talking or fighting. The December 23rd showdown was no exception.
The Gorillaz entered first and started talking some shit; which was quickly answered by The Exotic Ones, who were down a member. They made up for this by bringing along the hipster guy who had gotten conked with a bottle during the street Fight at the last show. Naturally the talking didn’t last very long and the shit was on like Genghis Kahn.
For reference, in this picture:
The Gorillaz are facing the camera and are (from left to right) Huey, Dewey and Louie. That’s Sparkles of The Exotic Ones facing them. Meat Snack was absent and I’ll point out Harvey in a minute. You’ll recognize him from the blood pouring out of his fucking face. I think that’s his finisher.
Like last time, this match was so fun and intense (and lengthy – no five minutes and done WWE match here, sir!) that I really couldn’t hope to give you a good recap. Not to mention the fact that I was good and lit up by the time this match started. So I’ll be giving you the story in pictures, with comments where I can.
Ladies and gentlemen,
The Exotic Ones versus The Konkrete Gorillaz
at The Masquerade Part III:
STEEL CAGE OF DOOM!
Like I said, shit broke down pretty quick. The Gorillaz had the numbers advantage early on, which they used to Greco Roman Beat the Shit out of The Exotic Ones.
Huey and Louie double-teamed Sparkles (and not in the way he likes) and beat his ass so bad he dropped his PBR.
This is just before Louie had to physically push me out of the way so he could smash Sparkles’ face into the wall.
That photographer just saved that little girl. Huey was trying to hit her with a chair. Don’t be mad at Huey – Sparkles was the one who picked up the kid and started hitting Huey in the head with her.
This is where The Exotic Ones gained the advantage. They handcuffed Dewey to the outside of the cage and gave Hipster Guy the key. Granted, we all knew that was going to end badly, but at least the odds were evened for a while.
I don’t know exactly how or when Harvey got busted open, but it was inevitable. That guy’s face must be made of tissue paper.
This is important. This is a shot of Hipster Guy taunting Dewey with the handcuff key. I was yelling at him to stop; saying “Don’t you watch wrestling? He’s going to get that key! Just go in the back or something, idiot!”
Harvey just chucked a bunch of White Powder in Dewey’s eyes. This seemed excessive given that Dewey was already chained to the cage and relatively immobile, but that’s just how Harvey rolls. He’s hardcore.
Big move, but I’m not exactly sure what he was doing. I mean, Harvey isn’t in his path of descent and Sparkles is way on the other side.
This is just fucking brutal. Dewey had grabbed Hipster Guy and gotten the cuffs off. He made it into the cage and the Gorillaz proceeded to beat the shit out of The Exotic Ones, cuffing Harvey to the inside and basically turning his head into hamburger meat.
Huey’s signature Frogsplash Elbow again. It’s damned impressive in person, particularly given that the ceiling is about four feet from the top of the turnbuckle posts.
Doctor Knives had to tend to The Exotic Ones after the match because the Gorillaz fucked them up so bad. It’s a good thing PCW keeps a fake medical professional on hand at all times.
For some reason this is the first picture I took of the Main Event:
Marx has “The Jar” in a side headlock. I’m pretty sure they didn’t both magically appear in the ring like that, so I’m assuming I was having beer time or something. Despite the fact that both of these guys are good workers, the match couldn’t hold my attention. The only other picture I took was of another side headlock until this happened:
Two guys I didn’t recognize locked themselves in the cage with PCW Champ Shane Marx (who had just won his match):
And proceeded to beat his fucking ass.
Now, two guys I don’t recognize showing up in PCW is hardly noteworthy. This is only the third time I’ve seen one of their shows and the guys I do know on sight are mostly familiar from wrestling at Dragon*Con. So far over half the wrestlers at each show have been new to me. The crowd (most of whom seem to be regular PCW fans who go to the company’s other shows) was going fucking nuts, though. I knew something was afoot.
It turns out that these two interlopers were Dill Snootles and Brad from rival promotion Middle Georgia Intramural Championship Wrestling Alliance. Apparently Dill Snootles is the MGICWA champ and thinks PCW is an inferior product that shouldn’t be having fancy, high-falutin’ show at a classy place like the Masquerade(?).
After what seemed like a really long time, the PCW locker room emptied out to defend their Champion.
And “Virgin” Trey Purple pulled some guy’s shirt up over his head so he could grab his ass:
This was just too much for MGICWA’s roster to bear so they all showed up and shit got CRAZY GO NUTS!
After control was restored by way of everybody kind of not knowing what to do after brawling for five minutes, PCW Chief Executive General Chairman Chill Phil came out to address Precious Bernie Cornflower, the Treasurer of MGICWA.
Chill Phil – “Precious Bernie Cornflower, PCW will not stand for your bullshit! Next month, right here at the magnificent Masquerade (pop) we’ll take on your Middle Georgia Intramural Championship Wrestling Alliance goons and find out just who is the bee’s knees around here, anyways!”
Crowd – “Hooray!”
Precious Bernie – “You’re on! And guess what, asshat? Our whole point was that we should be wrestling right here, at the mighty Masquerade (pop); so we win either way! Fool!”
Chill Phil – “Shit.”
And that was pretty much it.
The next show is January 27th at 8 PM and I’m trying my best to get the 28th off so I can go. You should try to make it out if you can – I personally guarantee a good time if you make it.
Until next time, stay creepy