Wednesday, January 12, 2011

GI Joe - Special Mission: Southern Discomfort! or Special Mission: Coldlanta!

Howdy, folks. Thanks to my super high-tech Canon SD770 spy camera I've been able to nail down the source of Georgia's unusual climate troubles...
Yep. Fucking COBRA.

"Dessstro! Excccellent work utilizing the Weather Dominator to freeze thisss accursssed ssstate! Now fully one fifth of the United Ssstatesss of Americasss armed population isss entirely isssolated!"
"I hate you so, so very much."
"Oooh! Look at me! I'm a fancy new Ice-Viper! I've got cool, extreme-sports snowboard pants, so I don't need snow shoes like those lame, old Snow-Serpents! Is having your balls frozen to the insides of your thighs some kind of tactical advantage, slick?"
 "So Ted, you think the Commander's going to get around to doing something before the Joes show up this time?"
"HA! No. Say, how did we get this thing out here? And what the heck is it, anyway?"
"Hey, Scrap-Iron..."
"That's Mister Scrap-Iron to you, worm!"
"Whatever... Mr. Scrap-Iron. Is that a bunch of GI Joes headed towards us?"
"YO, JOE!"
"I can't believe you guys wouldn't let me borrow a parka."
"Yeah, well I can't believe General Abernathy recruited a guy from a fucking Fudgy Bar commercial. Shut up."
"Hey Alpine, where's Snake-Eyes with the coffee?"
"I thought that was him in the turret behind us..."
"Eh, who knows? All these new guys want to look like ninjas. Assholes."
 "YO, JOE! Let's murder some COBRA slime!"
"I have skis!"
"Dessstroy them, my COBRAs!"
"...Dessstro - let'sss get the crap out of here..."


"Guys, seriously; I just sliced up like five COBRAS! Can I at least get a shirt or something?"
"Yeah... no."

Later still...

And so Georgia was saved by the Real American Heroes! But what will become of Snake-Eyes and his trusty wolf, Timber? And who was that guy in the parka that looked just like Snake-Eyes? And will Quick-Kick ever get a jacket? Who cares?

Until next time, Yo, Joe!