I hold Christmas in a very high regard. I don’t like it when people use “X-Mas” and I don’t care for anything Christmas-related being treated in a crass or disrespectful manner.
Unless it’s really, really funny. Or good.
So this is the list of Christmas parodies, oddities and outright offensive stuff that I think is pretty funny and wouldn’t listen to in front of, say, Granny Troublemaker.
“The Night Santa Went Crazy” – Weird Al
“Santa Claus is A Fat Bitch” – Insane Clown Posse
Note: This may surprise you, but Al's fans are much more talented than the Clowns' fans. I found three fan-made videos for the first song; two animated and one claymation. This was the best the Juggalos had to offer.
"Santa Claus” – Bob Rivers
“Santa Looked A Lot Like Daddy” – Reverend Horton Heat
“I Farted On Santa’s Lap” – The Little Stinkers
This is the cutest little dirty song you’ll ever hear. It’s a choir of children singing about being unable to contain flatulence on the all-important day of meeting Santa and fearing that Santa will retaliate by not leaving any gifts. Don’t worry, there is a resolution and gifts are left for all. And this one only had families doing homemade videos of the song. I just didn't feel right putting some stranger's family here. Go find it on YouTube yourself.
Turn your bass down.
Seriously. Turn it down now.
“Jingle Bells” – Austrian Death Machine
“Christmas With the Devil” – Spinal Tap
“Santa’s Beard” – They Might Be Giants
TMBG may not necessarily be known for subversive material now - what with their huge amount of work for Disney – but back in the day they managed to work some truly wacky concepts into most of their work. This one is about Santa (or one of his representatives) sparking infidelity in a formerly happy home. I like to think this song is a prequel to “They’ll Need A Crane”. Or not. Whatever.
And I would be remiss if I left out the two finest works of Christmas offensiveness. These two albums are both so excellently awful that, while I could pick a best song from each; I couldn’t in good faith go without mentioning the rest of the tracks. These are major parts of my holiday listening that I would never, ever listen to in front of mixed company.
Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics
Mojo Nixon & The Toadliquors – Horny Holidays
I can't explain that video, but the song is from this album.
This album is an absolute fucking disgrace. As you can guess from the title, it is base and venal and probably my favorite Christmas album of all time. The Toadliquors provide surprisingly festive arrangements for all the classics while Mojo fails completely to sing any of the songs right. The man doesn’t even know the words to “Jingle Bells”. As a matter of fact, during the rousing rendition of “Good King Wenceslas”, Mojo straight-up admits he doesn’t know the words and suggests “everybody just go ‘Fa-la-la’”. Astonishing.
I recommend both of the above albums to those of you with a raunchy or rowdy sense of humor and a love for Christmas. They are absolute must-haves for the holidays.
In the words of the Mojo himself,
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good fuck.”