Thursday, December 23, 2010

The Best Worst Christmas Songs

I hold Christmas in a very high regard. I don’t like it when people use “X-Mas” and I don’t care for anything Christmas-related being treated in a crass or disrespectful manner.

Unless it’s really, really funny. Or good.

So this is the list of Christmas parodies, oddities and outright offensive stuff that I think is pretty funny and wouldn’t listen to in front of, say, Granny Troublemaker.

The Night Santa Went Crazy” – Weird Al

I think this is Weird Al’s craziest song. I really wish somebody would make a movie or a comic of it. It’s definitely out there for the normally fairly gentle accordionist.

Santa Claus is A Fat Bitch” – Insane Clown Posse

And speaking of “out there”, this song is just horrible and offensive. But that’s what America’s Sweethearts the Insane Clown Posse do. C’mon – you know you love ‘em.

Note: This may surprise you, but Al's fans are much more talented than the Clowns' fans. I found three fan-made videos for the first song; two animated and one claymation. This was the best the Juggalos had to offer.

"Santa Claus” – Bob Rivers

I outgrew the Bob Rivers Christmas albums a long time ago, but this is a song about Santa Claus set to Black Sabbath’s Iron Man. Seriously.

Santa Looked A Lot Like Daddy” – Reverend Horton Heat

This may seem like a fairly innocent song to include on this Naughty list, but since it references the whole Santa issue in a way that questions his legitimacy, it goes on here. And Reverend Horton Heat provides the best version. I couldn't find a video for this one. Fail.

I Farted On Santa’s Lap” – The Little Stinkers

This is the cutest little dirty song you’ll ever hear. It’s a choir of children singing about being unable to contain flatulence on the all-important day of meeting Santa and fearing that Santa will retaliate by not leaving any gifts. Don’t worry, there is a resolution and gifts are left for all. And this one only had families doing homemade videos of the song. I just didn't feel right putting some stranger's family here. Go find it on YouTube yourself.

Turn your bass down.

Seriously. Turn it down now.


Jingle Bells” – Austrian Death Machine

If you haven’t heard Austrian Death Machine, you must be quite a fancy lady. They’re the shreddingest metal band on the planet. Also, the vocals are provided by none other than Arnie. Or maybe a guy that sounds exactly like him. Either way, you will not hear a more BRUTAL version of “Jingle Bells”.

Christmas With the Devil” – Spinal Tap

It’s Spinal Tap singing about Christmas. And the Devil. Of course it’s awesome.

Santa’s Beard” – They Might Be Giants

TMBG may not necessarily be known for subversive material now - what with their huge amount of work for Disney – but back in the day they managed to work some truly wacky concepts into most of their work. This one is about Santa (or one of his representatives) sparking infidelity in a formerly happy home. I like to think this song is a prequel to “They’ll Need A Crane”. Or not. Whatever.

And I would be remiss if I left out the two finest works of Christmas offensiveness. These two albums are both so excellently awful that, while I could pick a best song from each; I couldn’t in good faith go without mentioning the rest of the tracks. These are major parts of my holiday listening that I would never, ever listen to in front of mixed company.

Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics

This album has something to offend everybody. From Mr. Garrison’s attack on non-Christian celebrations, “Merry Fucking Christmas” to Kenny’s “The Most Offensive Song Ever”; which is just decipherable enough to earn that title; it’s just awful. And tremendous at the same time. While Trey Parker is good at many different aspects of entertaining, he is outstanding at creating music. I have yet to hear a sub-standard song from the man, and this collection of holiday tunes is some of his very best work.

Mojo Nixon & The Toadliquors – Horny Holidays

I can't explain that video, but the song is from this album.

This album is an absolute fucking disgrace. As you can guess from the title, it is base and venal and probably my favorite Christmas album of all time. The Toadliquors provide surprisingly festive arrangements for all the classics while Mojo fails completely to sing any of the songs right. The man doesn’t even know the words to “Jingle Bells”. As a matter of fact, during the rousing rendition of “Good King Wenceslas”, Mojo straight-up admits he doesn’t know the words and suggests “everybody just go ‘Fa-la-la’”. Astonishing.

I recommend both of the above albums to those of you with a raunchy or rowdy sense of humor and a love for Christmas. They are absolute must-haves for the holidays.

In the words of the Mojo himself,

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good fuck.”

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