Monday, December 20, 2010

Bad Christmas Cartoons

I don’t know if this post is lazy or just unnecessary, but I had to comment on this. I – like everybody else – have received a number of e-mails featuring holiday-themed Far Side ripoff cartoons. In years past these have ranged from cute to funny to bland, but this year the damned things are just stupid. Stupid to the point where I’m kind of enraged that there are people somewhere making money off of these insipid doodles or even, God forbid, making a living.
Below are the worst offenders. They are not funny and in some cases I can’t even really tell what the joke is supposed to be. Our world is ending.

This is just stupid. It’s an un-funny fart joke, and believe me; I’ll laugh at a funny fart joke. They’re eating beans, Santa has a gas mask and the idiot that created this felt those two things were just too fucking subtle so he had to actually give the reindeer new fart-centric names just to make sure the morons that were cursed with viewing this garbage “got it”.
There isn’t even a joke here. This is clearly aimed at old people who are going to look at this and go, “Oh dear. That whole ‘hacking’ thing is even messing up Christmas…”
I hate this because the drawing is shitty. Also because “He’s fat! So he wants cookies! HA HA HA!” Stupid.
This is another case of explaining too much. There is no need to identify the person as a veterinarian. Who cares? What little joke there is comes from the penguin’s angst over the unfairness of the situation. Honestly, the person is superfluous. I would’ve drawn the penguin shaking his flippers at the silhouette of Santa and the reindeer. Hell, you might even be able to eliminate the words at that point. Also, being a huge Berkeley Breathed fan I am not entirely comfortable critiquing the anatomical accuracy of somebody’s penguin drawing; but that is one shitty-looking penguin.
Shitty drawing + dumb joke = angry me. Gary Larson told better stories with an eyebrow.
This is courtesy of the same horse’s ass that drew the “Got Cookies” Santa. I really can’t understand why this is supposed to be funny. Is it the hat? The fact that the horribly drawn anthropomorphic cat lady has only two teats? I hate this Reynolds person.
Crazy Jokes, indeed! I think I’m starting to see a pattern. These people cannot tell one-panel stories. If there is a joke here, it has too much backstory. The depiction in the panel contradicts many things we know about Santa and his mode of transportation, like that Rudolph (if we are indeed speaking of a scenario that includes Rudolph, as he didn’t become part of the business until 1969) leads the team of reindeer. There are eight reindeer, with Rudolph flying solo at the front. My three-year-old could explain that, yet this “cartoonist” has chosen to forgo that fact to create this stupid non-joke. And I just realized that this establishment is not, in fact, “Reynolds’ Garage” but that this is another turd from that damn hack.
I would say that I hate to keep picking on Reynolds, but clearly this asshole deserves it. This is another stupid scenario that barely qualifies as a set-up, let alone a joke. And the cat left the presents alone? Really? Or did the incredibly obtuse Reynolds think this “gag” was just too subtle and that if he depicted the presents in an unrecognizable state the idiots who follow his work wouldn’t understand that stick used to be a Christmas tree. Reynolds – I want to see your face so I can hate it.
Again, a “joke” that doesn’t make sense because it is aimed at confused old people. Let me tell you something, Pennik – or whatever your name is – my grandmother-in-law is like 104 and she spends all of her time on the internet sending my wife dirty pictures. Texting is no longer cutting edge to anybody. And why are they polar bears? Is this an ongoing about them and I just don’t know it? And why wouldn’t they just play an MP3 instead? The only way this could be redeemed is if the second “you” was followed by “before we tear you apart and eat you because we are fucking polar bears.”
This is another that disrespects the established rules of Christmas: Santa’s reindeer fly, stupid.
Don’t over-explain. This would actually be funny minus the words. I almost wonder if some idiot added those in. Well, some idiot definitely added those in, but I wonder if it was the original author or not.
This picture, though poorly drawn, is hilarious. When you add the words it just seems meaner. I think the roles should have been reversed so it didn’t seem so misogynistic, but I’m just old-fashioned that way. I admit that this one would not be a total loss if it were completely different.
A five-year-old might laugh at this, but I wouldn’t want a five-year-old reading a comic with that sort of “ho” reference in it. Then again, what do you expect out of somebody who signs with a fucking hippie peace sign.
I guess maybe this one is a little funny. I’m more bothered that it came in an e-mail from my dad. He’s not supposed to laugh at this sort of thing. He’s supposed to sit around drinking “Older Gent” whiskey and going “Harrumph.”
I think this person just really, really wanted to draw a dog penis. Quick! Find five things wrong with this picture!
1 – One reindeer?
2 – Why is Rudolph on the lawn?
3 – And how did he land? Is he a fucking VTOL reindeer?
4 – Clearly, that is a sled.
5 – Where did those scissors come from?
I hate this one.
And now for one last one that actually made me laugh because everybody has done this to a dirty car…
If I get any more of these I’ll do this again. This was more fun than it should have been, so I guess I should be grateful these awful hacks are employed.
Until next time, stay creepy

1 comment:

  1. I actually laughed at the "Dill Doe" one. Very juvenile and not terribly clever, but, for some reason, it made me chuckle. >_>

    I also laughed at your one-word response to it, so I guess I'm just easily amused. ¯\(º-°)/¯