I have long maintained that two of the essential trademarks of horror movies are gore and titties (or is that three?). Watching a supposed horror movie without those crucial elements is like fucking the lunchlady. Yeah, you’re going to get the job done, but it sure isn’t going to be any fun.
These next lovely ladies are a huge part of what is great about horror flicks. Several of them don’t even show the naughty bits, but they are so blisteringly hot it doesn’t matter. Yeah, this list is pretty objectifying and might even be a bit offensive to some of you Women’s Studies majors out there. If that is you, then I suggest you slip into some work boots, cuddle up in a nice flannel shirt and go munch on your girlfriend’s unshaven vagina while listening to Rites of Passage by the Indigo Girls.
For the rest of us who live in the real world where real men loudly proclaim their love for titties and real women shamelessly want to lick Brad Pitt’s abdomen, here’s the list:
(This article might be a little bit NSFW. Okay, a lot)
10 – Shannon Elizabeth – Jack Frost
Yeah. It’s going to be that kind of list. C’mon, chick got raped* by a killer snowman’s carrot nose - in the shower – and looked good doing it. She may be played out these days, but Ms. Elizabeth was quite the tasty treat back in 1996.
*Snowman rape is a very serious subject and obviously I do not condone it. If you want to learn more about snowman rape and its effects on society, you can visit your local library.
9 – Paula Marshall – Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth
Ms. Marshall played Terri in what is probably the least of the entries in the Hellraiser franchise (even when you consider the direct-to-DVD releases). But the film’s quality hardly matters when you look at the fact that Marshall spends a decent amount of time being naked, the rest of the time being hot, and then gets turned into what is easily the hottest of the female Cenobites in the franchise.
Note: Clive Barker directed the video for Motorhead’s cover of Ozzy Osbourne’s Hellraiser, which was recorded for the Hell on Earth soundtrack. This video features Lemmy playing cards with Pinhead, which is sooooooo fucking awesome.
8 – Barbara Crampton – From Beyond
Crampton’s character – Dr. McMichaels – spends the first part of the movie as a repressed blond doctor who is investigating the disappearance and reappearance of a scientist with a super-Lovecrafty name. Where things get sexy is when she comes under the influence of said scientist’s reality-ripping machine and decides to strap on some BDSM gear and have some fun. Later on she bites off Jeffrey Combs’ exposed pineal gland, which was probably exactly as painful as it sounds.
7 – Rose McGowan – Planet Terror
You might think the loss of a leg would limit the mobility, usefulness and sex appeal of one Cherry Darling, go-go dancer. You’d be hella wrong. Once her one-time and soon-to-be-again love monkey Freddy Rodriguez attaches a machine gun to her stump she is ready for some hardcore zombie action. And some fuckin’, apparently, because she and Mr. Rodriguez Get. It. On.
6 – Kate Beckinsdale – Underworld franchise
Selene the Death Dealer is probably the hottest vampire this side of Dracula’s Daughter. And unlike most of the other ladies on this list, Beckinsdale graced us with her sweet vampiric presence for two installments. Once again, the concept of hot chicks running around in super-tight clothes is shown to be a winner.
5 – Sherri Moon Zombie – House of 1000 Corpses/The Devil’s Rejects
Oh, Mrs. Zombie; you sweet, sweet thang. I can’t think of any other crazy, psychopathic character that turned me on quite like Baby Firefly. From the psychedelic necrophilic visuals and assless jeans in Corpses to the just generally dirty, hot craziness in Rejects; the Superbeast’s main squeeze delivers sexy evilness for two great movies.
4 – Milla Jovovich – Resident Evil franchise
Do I even need to explain this one? Not only does Alice spend three movies kicking zombie ass in ridiculously hot outfits (I haven’t seen the fourth yet, but can only hope and assume it’s more of the same), she also deigns to give us some nice nudie scenes. Not every model-turned-singer-turned-actress would do that. As a matter of fact, there are no others that I can think of…
3 – Caroline Munro – Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter
Okay, well here’s one more, but she never showed us her goodies. Caroline Munro was never anything less than unbelievably hot in any movie she was in, but this is my favorite of her appearances. She plays the wanton barefoot Gypsy girl, Carla, and is… well, wanton and barefoot. So fucking hot and not one bit of naked. This sample of dialogue comes after Captain Kronos has released Carla from roadside imprisonment in stocks - presumably for being way too hot for her village – and is my favorite exchange from any movie, ever:
Carla – “I’d like to come with you to the town; if you’ll have me.”
Kronos – “Oh, I’ll have you…”
Magnificent. And he does.
2 – Jessica Biel – Texas Chainsaw Massacre
While I do appreciate the Chainsaw remake as a movie on its own, watching Ms. Biel run around in that tank top and low-rise jeans for an hour and a half was fucking righteous. I could almost see a pitch meeting where some dude was like, “Hey, let’s have Jessica Biel run for ninety minutes!”
“But what’s her motivation? She needs a reason for all that running…”
“Ooh, let’s throw Leatherface in there and call it a remake!”
And then they just sort of accidentally churned out a pretty damn good horror movie. That’s almost easier to believe than the possibility that some Hollywood chumps actually got it right.
1 – Linnea Quigley – Return of the Living Dead
I can’t even think about the graveyard striptease from this movie without getting wood. The first time I saw this it was the hottest thing I had ever seen in my life. And stayed that way for a while. I didn’t see the episode of Fear Factor where they doused that hot chick in cow blood until years later.
For all you guys that got a big 'ol Halloweiner from this scene back in the day, here's a NSFW video to enjoy!
Until next time, stay creepy