Monday, October 11, 2010

31 Days of Halloween - Day 11: Hellraiser 3

I’m fucking sick of Top Ten lists, how about you?

I’ve still got some I’m fond of that I want to re-post, but I’m increasingly feeling like they’re kind of a cop-out. I can knock one of them out, no problem; but I really don’t know how many more “Top Ten Permanent Limb Loss” lists the internet really needs.

Planet Terror
Empire Strikes Back
Cabin Fever 2 (The movie sucked, but this scene was brutal)
The Fly (Remake)
Idle Hands
The Ruins
Evil Dead 2
Monty Python and the Holy Grail]

So instead of giving you more of something you don’t need, I’m giving less of something you don’t need. Let me explain.

Since wrestling is beyond godawful right now, I’ve been watching horror movies from my personal collection while I’m on the computer or moving stuff around or cleaning or whatever.

October is going to be all horror, all the time (unless we’re hanging out with Lil’ Troublemaker; but even then we’ll watch kid-friendly Halloween stuff) and I’m going to give you mini-reviews of every movie I watch.

Starting with the craptastic Hellraiser III.

I actually saw this one in the theater back in 1992 when it was first released. Me and Big Pants Man were very excited about this one because the first two were the scariest fucking movies ever. I think we were even tempted to forgo the “I’m not a fag” seat in the theater, but ended up observing the age-old Man Rule because we were High School-aged dudes(If you are somehow unfamiliar with that particular concept, just look for two younger males that are together at the next movie you see. If they have a choice, they will leave an unoccupied seat between them. Unless, of course… you get the idea. Yeah, it’s stupid; but that’s adolescence for you).
Hellraiser III is not a complete tub of crap. It is, however, a bit insulting due to the fact that it is the first in the series that was aimed directly at Americans and is very, very dumb. The story is the same as every other Hellraiser movie: Pinhead wants to tear your soul apart! Only in this sequel, that’s pretty much it.

Here’s the deal:

A terrible actor plays a club owner (JT or TJ or CT or something) who buys a giant, grotesque pillar and brings it back to his loft; which is above the club. He is a shitbag who gives 80’s-hot girls flowers and then fucks them. Pinhead pops out of the pillar at one point and tells the guy to kick a little action his way, so JT shoves the girl of the night at the thing and Pinhead sucks her skin off like my aunt eating fried chicken.

This makes JT’s gutter trash ex-girlfriend - played by the not-hired-for-her-resume-if-you-know-what-I-mean Paula Marshall - very jealous.

Why doesn’t he ever feed me to shitty interior decorations?” she wonders.

So she goes to have sex with him and ends up feeding him to Pinhead in one of the most succinct illustrations of the female species I have ever witnessed. Maybe this movie isn’t so obtuse, after all.

Apparently all Pinhead needed was a little douche to get him out of that pillar, because he explodes out of it after his JT snack and murders everybody in the club with his razor-tipped penis chains. The club patrons don’t really care because Material Issue was playing that night and boy, do they suck.

Pinhead also makes shitty new Cenobites and even makes excuses about how shitty they are – “I had to make them by hand.”

Pinhead’s new minions include a former DJ who kills people with CDs and a bartender that breathes fire with the aid of drink shaker. Seriously. Oh, and a guy who looks like Hulk Hogan but isn’t because clearly they couldn’t afford somebody of that caliber to play a camera man cenobite with a camera stuck into his head. An EVIL camera that makes you DIE.

Also, there’s this reporter who saw the aftermath of some Pinhead-related massacre earlier in the movie. I kind of forgot about her because she is fucking boring. This is a problem because she is the main character of the movie. Anyway, Gutter Trash managed to wrangle Pinhead’s infamous Rubik’s Cube of Doom out of JT’s blood and gore covered loft before having her titties cut off or something.

Eventually Pinhead goes in a church and does the most blasphemous thing this side of Rawhead Rex using a priest as a port-a-potty. After that the reporter lady gets chased on to a movie set that looks like a street, kind of like the big chase at the end of Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure (which was a waaay batter movie). There is a lot of fire and Pinhead makes a manhole cover attack a liquor store sign. Judging from the proximity of the church to the liquor store I’d say this all took place on one of America’s many Martin Luther King, Jr. Boulevards.

Reporter lady makes her way to a construction site for the movie’s big, final showdown, where she uses the Rubik’s Cube of Doom to zap Pinhead and the D-list Cenobites back to Hell. I know that sounds a little anticlimactic, and it is. I told you this movie was stupid.

Oh, wait a minute! There’s this whole other subplot that’s actually pretty cool and deals with Pinhead’s origins and the duality of not only his nature, but mankind’s as well! But the boring reporter lady is in it, so you end up sleeping through all of those parts. I think Pinhead ends up eating not-Pinhead or something.

At the very end of the movie, Reporter Lady’s dad show up to tell Reporter Lady something, but it ends up being Pinhead and he tries to cut her titties off. Not-Pinhead shows up to save the day, but he doesn’t have any razor-tipped penis chains or levitating meat cleavers; so that’s when Pinhead eats him.

For some reason that makes Pinhead die, and Reporter Lady goes back to the construction site to set up the next movie, which is pretty much the coolest thing about Hell on Earth, because the fourth movie is fucking awesome.

Some good things about Hellraiser III:

  • It has an awesome soundtrack featuring Motorhead, KMFDM, Armored Saint and the Electric Love Hogs.
  • That blasphemous scene is uncomfortable, but very well done.
  • Seeing Doug Bradley without the Pinhead makeup is just weird.
  • That pillar is fucking awesome, and I have a toy of it.

Until tomorrow, stay creepy

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