So I’ve already mentioned my shitty costume experience from last year – that doesn’t mean I would never wear a costume again, it just means I’ll never put in the time and effort needed to make one. This realization comes courtesy of a recent drunken group viewing of Flash Gordon in the Troublemaker Family Dungeon. I remarked that I would love to have a Prince Vultan (the giant, bearded bird-man played by the giant, bearded Brian Blessed) costume to wear at Dragon*Con. One of my wife’s friends claimed she was going to make that happen. I know she was full of it, but it got me thinking.
“If I had my own personal costume maker, what costumes would I really want?”
These are all taking my appearance into account. I’m not going to be Harry Potter or Lando Calrissian. I firmly believe in costuming within your physical range (fatties, I don’t care how many checkerboards are on your helmet; you’re not Wedge, you’re Porkins).
Obviously. And I’m writing this sober, too. I would rock that no problem. I really think it would be one of the best Dragon*Con costumes ever. I’ve never seen it done, but I’m sure it has been (though I can’t find any images of costumes on Google). Regardless, I want it. If anybody knows any skilled costumers get them on this now.
9 – Baron Underbheit
I’m not pulling off the Monarch, Doctor Venture or Brock Samson; but I have to have a Venture Bros. costume. The Baron is a character that I like and could get away with physically. Also, he has a kickass design. My second pick for a Venture character was Shore Leave, and I don’t think I want to go down that road. Also, this one could probably be repurposed as a Trap-Jaw costume at some point.
8 – The Gill-man
I wasn’t sure about this one, but since none of this will ever happen I figured, “Why not?” I really wouldn’t want to wear this thing for very long, but if I could get a movie-accurate costume for free I’d wear the fucker all weekend. Or at least until I passed out. The Creature is my absolute favorite of the Universal Monsters.
7 - Batman
If I were super-ripped and in great shape a comic-accurate Batman would likely be #1. I am neither of those things. I do, however, think that I could pull off a pretty convincing Adam West-style Batman after my most recent Atkins-enabled weight loss. At 6’4” and 225 pounds, I’m in better shape than I have been in since high school. Bring on the tights!
6 – The 4th Doctor’s last costume
The classic Tom Baker costume is probably more recognizable; but I really loved this one. It’s why I had to buy the Peter Davison regeneration figure wearing it. And even though everybody hates them now, I loved those question marks on his lapels when I was a kid and still do. Regardless of the fact that the Doctor was never overtly referred to as “Doctor Who” within the show and they don’t really make sense, the question marks are a neat little trademark that carried through Baker, Davison, Baker the Lesser and McCoy. They’re kind of like the Bat-symbol or an “X”. I think they’re neat-o and I’d have ‘em on my costume. And yeah, I would shave and wear a big, curly wig for this one.
5 – Full-on Phantom Troublemaker wrestling gear
You’d think this would be further up the list, but its position at #5 is due to the fact that this costume is somewhat obtainable. My mask guy knows a guy, so you may well see this at a future Dragon*Con as long as I don’t bloat up again. The mask is one thing, but the full gear would be wrestling boots, cape, tights; the real deal.
4 - Dalek
The new ones, since they’re taller and I could fit inside better. The best part? I’d be naked in there, and nobody would know.
3 - Destro
If I had a Destro costume that was accurate to the original painting on the very first Destro action figure, I would wear it everywhere. Like, to the grocery store and stuff. This would almost be the best costume ever, but not quite. Obviously.
2 – Starfleet uniform from Wrath of Khan
I want one of these so fucking bad. Like, ever since I was a kid. You can actually buy patterns and rank insignias for this uniform from the official website now. I really need to find a seamstress who works cheap.
1 – My Mandalorian armor
This is still the costume I want more than any other. I just want it to look awesome. And I want a helmet. The mask is neat and all, but it really just doesn’t work. With my hypothetical unlimited funding and master costuming expert, I would design and have produced a fully functional Mando uniform in my trademark purple and green; complete with helmet climate control and PA system, light-up rangefinder and liquor-dispensing gauntlet faucet.
Until next time, stay creepy