Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Big-Ass Summer Movie Preview - 2010 - May

Work and my desire to spend time with my family have once again conspired to make my post late. I really need to load a bunch of these so I can post them on the go.

A couple of quick notes:

I watched the severely edited version of The Eleventh Hour and it is almost a crime how badly they butchered it. Find the original if you can. Don't bother with rebroadcasts.

Spartacus' season finale blew my fucking mind. What an amazing show and triumphant first season. Buy it as soon as it comes out. It is a keeper.

I did this for the first time last year and plan to make it an annual tradition here on Needless Things. I take Entertainment Weekly’s Summer Movie Preview and give my opinion on every single film they cover, regardless of my interest in or knowledge of the movie. Talk about the blind leading the blind.

Here’s what I think about the latest crop of summer flicks from those money-grubbing douchebags in Tinsel Town.


-Robin Hood - May 14 – I should be stoked about this one. I used to be a huge fan of the whole Robin Hood mythos. My first LEGO sets were the Robin Hood-themed ones (I had some kind of awesome tree hideout and a castle), my first favorite Disney animated feature was Robin Hood and back in the day I was such a fan that I forgave the atrocity that is Kevin Costner starring in what was otherwise a pretty fun Robin Hood flick. I think the whole “rob from the rich and give to the poor” thing is a bit offensive to me now. When you’re a kid it sounds pretty good, but as a hard-working, tax-paying parent it sounds like bullshit that somebody needs to be shot for. But then, from what I understand the plot of this movie delves deeper than that and sounds a bit less socialistic. Regardless, I’m still very curious to see this one. Ridley Scott and Russell Crowe are a duo you can’t just dismiss. I guess I’m just not theater curious. Verdict - RENT

-Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time - May 28 – I believe this one has the potential to transcend its video game origins. Don’t get me wrong – I absolutely love the Prince of Persia games. Puzzle/platformers are my favorite. You just need to be able to market a movie to everybody, and that includes people who don’t know what the fuck a puzzle/platformer is. I’m not a big fan of Jake Gyllenhaal, but what I’ve seen of him so far in this movie looks very promising. Its mainly my faith in Bruckheimer that has me going to the AMC to see this one, though. Try this on for size – how fucking cool would it have been to see Naveen Andrews as the titular Prince? Yeah, he might be a little old for the part, but he kicks ass and is actually of middle-eastern descent. That’s two things Gyllenhaal cannot claim. Verdict – GO TO THE THEATER

-MacGruber – May 21– I did not even know this was based on a Saturday Night Live sketch until just now. I haven’t watched SNL since the one with Jack Black doing the birthday song. Actually, the ones with Jack Black or The Rock hosting are the only ones I’ve watched in probably ten years or more. Anyway, I first saw the trailer for MacGruber a few months ago and thought the movie looked hilarious, but destined for straight-to-home release. It just looked kind of cheap and odd. For me it will be a home viewing.

UPDATE: Since these people hosted RAW Monday night, I now want to see the movie twice as much and not at all. Twice as much because the Ayatollah of Rock N' Rolla - Chris Jericho - is in it. Not at all because the people in the movie seem to be complete sucktards.
Verdict - RENT

-Solitary Man – May 21 – It’s Michael Douglas as – guess what? – a flawed, victimized male! This is a drama that also features Susan Sarandon, Imogen Poots (best/worst name ever) and Jesse Eisenberg (EW’s blurb doesn’t even mention him; he is pictured, though). Remember where I said it was a drama? Verdict - PASS

-Casino Jack and the United States of Money – May 7 – I can’t imagine going to a movie theater to see a documentary, but I definitely want to check this one out some time. It’s about notorious lobbyist and douchebag Jack Abramoff and it sounds fantastic. Verdict – RENT

-Letters To Juliet – May 14 – Amanda Seyfried stars opposite Vanessa Redgrave in this charming tale of the unstoppable power of true love between two generations of… I’m not even going to try that shit this year. Of course I’m not going to see this. I thank God on a weekly basis that Mrs. Troublemaker isn’t a lady who requires this sort of drivel. Verdict - PASS

-Sex and the City 2 – May 27 – Men, if you have run out of uses for your penis, you may as well go ahead and stick it in a blender and then go watch these four dried up old harpies screech about their vaginas. Seriously, I don’t care if your significant other tells you she is never, ever going to put out again; you just go and learn how to jack off better. If it was possible for me to set up an elite cadre of surgeons that would remove the genitals of every straight man who buys a ticket to this garbage I would do it. You don’t deserve to sport a cock if you see this movie. And every man who reads the preceding should think to himself, “That’s what was in my heart! He just said it so well!” Verdict – PASS WITH A FUCKING VENGEANCE

-Shrek Forever After – May 14 – I thoroughly enjoyed the first Shrek. The second one was still pretty funny, but maybe a bit unnecessary. Shrek the Third was downright terrible. I can’t imagine this one will be better, but I’m willing to give it a chance. When I can watch at home. Verdict - CABLE

-Just Wright – May 14 – You know what? I’m not going to trash this one. It looks like it is probably every bit as insipid as any other romantic comedy, but I like Common too much to be mean. And Queen Latifah has always seemed like a really nice lady. I’m still not fucking watching it, though. Verdict – PASS

- Iron Man 2 – May 7 – I loathe the first Iron Man movie and everything associated with it. Jon Favreau is such a hack, and Robert Downey, Jr. couldn’t act his charmless ass out of a paper bag. HA! What a funny jokester I am! Iron Man is one of the very best movies I have ever seen in my life and I would gladly share a manly, non-homosexual man-hug with the amazing Downey, Jr. As far as I am concerned, Iron Man wiped the floor with The Dark Knight and I loved The Dark Knight. What a wonderful gift I am getting for my birthday weekend. I will see Iron Man 2 as soon as I possibly can. Verdict – GO SEE THIS OPENING DAY OR YOU ARE A LOSER! - TROUBLEMAKER’S MAY PICK

-Mother and Child – May 7 – It would be easy to write this one off, but it actually sounds pretty interesting. It explores different facets of motherhood and how women handle them. Plus, there’s a sex scene with Naomi Watts and Sam Jackson. If your head didn’t almost explode when you read that last sentence then you are a weirdo. Verdict - CABLE

-Holy Rollers – May 21 – With that title, I was hoping for a movie about a bunch of nuns who have to start a roller derby team to raise money for an orphanage and learn about fun along the way. These people had to go and make a movie that sounds like it might actually have some redeeming qualities, though. Jesse Eisenberg plays a young Hasidic Jew who becomes a drug mule. I’m pretty sure it isn’t a comedy, though it certainly could be. Verdict - RENT

-Babies – May 7 – This is a documentary. About snails. HA! Got you again! It’s about babies. Verdict - PASS

May Quick Picks

(Things that EW didn’t deem worth a paragraph and a picture)

-Happiness Runs – PASS unless he kills the hippies before he leaves.
-The Oath – PASS because the War on Terror is so 2000-late.
-Best Worst Movie – RENT, but I want to actually see Troll 2 first.
-Looking For Eric – PASS because right-minded Americans don’t give a shit about soccer.
-Princess Kaiulani – PASS because I’m still bitter The Rock’s movie about Prince Nakimaki or whatever his name is never happened.
-Kites – PASS because apparently there are no dance scenes.
-Perrier’s Bounty – RENT because it’s about Irish gangsters, not mineral water.
-Agora – CABLE because it actually sounds kind of interesting. Plus, Rachel Weisz.
-Micmacs – PASS because that is a stupid nonsense word.
-Picasso & Braque Go to the Movies – PASS because I don’t even understand what that means.
-Survival of the Dead – THEATER because I actually liked Diary of the Dead.

1 comment:

  1. Hey, great website! Seems that we are both big fans of film! I wanted to let you know about our live chat with Holy Rollers stars Justin Bartha and Jesse Eisenberg taking place this Monday, May 10th at 1:50 PM EST.

    Would you like to host the chat? Or let your community and fans know about the film's release, website or live facebook chat?

    Please let us know and we will get you the embed and banner ads.

    Thank you for sharing our passion for film and sharing it with the world.


    Tommy Alastra